Seishirou Does The Bible
by NekonoKatzen
Summary: Seishirou tells Kamui a bible story. Yes, you should be scared. Major warnings for sacreligiousness!


Yes, my friends, this is crack. Cracky, cracky, crack. And if you don't like it, then too bad! I didn't write this for you. I wrote it as a birthday thingy for my lovely, sweet girlfriend who I adore enough to actually write something remotely SxS for. And, considering I generally_ really_ don't like that pairing in X, that's a lot of adoration XD

**Disclaimer: CLAMP owns X. And a bit of my soul too.**

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**+Seishirou Does The Bible+**

"Thinking about converting?" Kamui whipped around at the somewhat familiar voice, looking rather pissed off. "Or are you simply looking to repent while you still can?" Seishirou smirked at the Bible in the other's hands.

"What the hell do you want!" The little savior bristled. The last very thing he wanted to end up doing during his lunch break was talking to the damned Sakurzukamori.

"Well, for one, I was asked by _Kamui _to check up on what you were doing. And I wanted to make sure that what you were 'doing' wasn't my Subaru-kun."

"Of course I'm not _doing_ Subaru. He's in class right now, you know." Kamui gave the older man a smug little smirk, "but now I shall make sure to _catch up_ with him later."

An amber-eyed glare was directed at Kamui as Seishirou tried to remind himself that no, he was not allowed to kill the kid. If he did, _Kamui_ would most likely be very pissed off, and he didn't particularly want to deal with that, even if the smartass little brat _did_ deserve a good beating. He sighed, annoyed with how limited his options were. "Why are you reading the Bible, kid?"

"Karen-san gave it to me. Said some of the stories in it might interest me."

"And does it?"

"It's weird. Naked people in gardens, floods, fallen angels…" Kamui turned his attention back to the leather-bound book, and away from Seishirou; a move that would normally be extremely unwise.

"Fallen angels?" Seishirou approached the other, leaning against a pillar close to the boy.

"Yeah. Er, Satan, Lucifer, whatever you want to call him, was kicked out of heaven."

"And do you know why?" If Kamui had bothered to look at the assassin, he would have seen him grinning evilly.

"Nah, I didn't get that far yet."

"He was kicked out for sleeping with another, rather devious angel. He and God were lovers, you see."

Kamui looked at him with wide-eyed, almost-innocent, curiosity, "He and God were lovers? That doesn't seem right…" He started flipping through the book.

Seishirou stepped over, closing the book before Kamui could find the right book. "Now, why would I lie about the Bible, Shirou-kun? I know the entire story."

"_You've_ read the Bible?" Kamui's face showed his cynicism.

"Of course. Some of the stories _are_ rather interesting." He smiled pleasantly, wondering if Kamui had enough sense to catch his bluff and stop this while he still could. "Would you like me to tell you the story? Save you the trouble of reading it."

"Um… okay." Apparently he didn't.

"Wonderful. Let's see… once upon a time," he started, but was rudely interrupted.

"Bible stories don't start with 'once upon a time', Sakurazuka." Kamui's voice was flat, with know-it-all undertones. Rather annoying.

"Well, this one does, so shut up and listen." Seishirou decided that he really needed a cigarette if he was going to deal with the kid and not resort to violence. "Now, as I was saying…" The cigarette was quickly lit and inhaled with a calming breath as he tried to ignore the glares the brat was giving him. He knew the little Seal didn't like smoking, and probably would have a conniption fit if he knew his former best friend had taken to indulging in the habit on occasion as well. It was a bit tempting to tell the kid that fact, just to see his reaction, but once again, _Kamui _finding out and being irate presented a problem. "Once upon a time, there was God. Of course, that was just his title; his real name was Subaru…"

"It was _not_." The violet-eyed boy protested. "You're just inserting Subaru into your story for no reason!"

"I said this was _Subaru_, not my Subaru-_kun_." His tone was rather mocking, "Besides, I thought you said you didn't read it."

"I didn't!"

"Then how do you know his name isn't Subaru?"

Kamui blinked for a moment, "I… I guess I don't. It's just… I didn't think God was Japanese."

"Well, that shows how much _you_ know." He took another drag, amused with how gullible the little one was. No wonder_ Kamui_ liked to play with him so; he made himself such an easy target. "Anyway, Subaru, God, was in love with his handsome, strong angel named Seishirou." Kamui opened his mouth to object again, but stopped when Seishirou put up his hand, "Let me tell the story, Shirou-kun. We've already established you know nothing of it."

"Whatever," he huffed.

"So, as I said, Subaru was in love with the dashing angel, Seishirou. Unfortunately, though, he was also rather pissed off at him at the same time, since Seishirou had killed his darling sister: the annoyingly loud and rather frightening goddess, Hokuto." He paused to check Kamui to see if the other was going to interrupt, but found he was simply staring at him intently, waiting for him to continue. "Thus, Seishirou had been banned to sleeping on the couch, something that, as you could imagine, left him rather frustrated. Especially since Subaru's _sheer existence_ tempted him to no end."

"He_ is_ rather tempting." Kamui mumbled, then smiled sweetly, falsely, when he found himself the target of another death-glare. "Sorry. I'll stay quiet. Really."

"Sure you will." He took a deep drag, and then pointedly exhaled it in Kamui's face, chuckling darkly as the boy coughed dramatically. "Now, if you don't mind, I shall continue." Another drag; this one he kept to himself. "It was during this infuriating lack of sex that Seishirou happened upon a younger angel; one with sharp golden eyes and a cockiness that rivaled his own. This angel intrigued him, to say the least, and soon, he found himself sharing a bed with the young man. It wasn't the easiest of relationships, seeing as foreplay between them was, more or less, a massive struggle for dominance, but Seishirou figured that battle sex was better than no sex at all."

Kamui actually looked rather upset. "Oh, lemme guess, did this angel's name happen to be FUUMA?" he growled.

"Of course not," the Sakurazukamori stated, matter-of-factly. "It was… Fred. Yes, Fred was his name."

"Uh-huh. So they have _Western_ names now too?" he scoffed and crossed his arms in front of him.

"Listen, brat, if you know what's good for you," he flashed five black ofuda, splayed between his fingers, "you'll shut your mouth and _keep_ it shut for the remainder of the story. Understand?" He put the slips of paper away as Kamui nodded. "Good. So. Everything was fine like this for a while: Seishirou spent most of his time stalking his lovely Subaru, and when being around him got to be too much, he'd hunt down 'Fred' and work out his pent up frustrations. It was quite the perfect system, really.

Of course, what Seishirou didn't know at the time was that Subaru had been working out his frustrations with another as well: a little violet-eyed tramp who was, if it was even possible, even more of an uke than he." The older man smirked as he saw Kamui twitch, apparently having at least an inkling of where this was going. "This boy had been hurt quiet deeply by the golden-eyed angel, so much so that Subaru found himself drawn into the kid's lost-puppy aura despite himself. The boy, in turn, latched onto the God like a leech. A whiny, bratty, annoyingly angsty leech."

The leader of the Seals twitched again, "I _don't _like this."

"What did I tell you about keeping your mouth shut?"

Kamui was defiant, "I still don't like this."

Seishirou rolled his eyes, "Perhaps you just don't have an appreciation for good story telling."

"Bite me."

"I'm afraid_ Kamui_ would have a problem with that."

"Whatever." Kamui sulked, "Just finish the story already."

"Thank you. Now, where was I?" Seishirou thought for a moment, "Oh, yes, the whiny, bratty, angsty leech who was sleeping with Subaru." He nodded to himself before continuing, "Well, it just so happened that Seishirou caught his Subaru and the little leech kissing one day during one of their tea times together, and, feeling rather furious, he came out of hiding and forcefully separated the two, fully intent on beating the tramp to a bloody pulp."

"Like you really could." Kamui mumbled and then scoffed.

"You make it rather tempting to find out, you know." Seishirou was truly hanging onto his self-control by a thread. How could_ Kamui_ stand this little monster? "Continuing on..." He finished off his cigarette and quickly lit another one. "Of course, as Seishirou's luck would have it, the amber-eyed angel was apparently still rather attached to the pretty little tart; thus, he chose that exact moment to step in, calmly explaining with an annoyingly composed smile, that Seishirou had no right to be jealous, seeing as he'd been sleeping with him for the past few months." Kamui snickered, apparently approving of this development, as Seishirou took another drag. "Upon hearing that, Subaru stomped off and Fred quickly dragged his little pet away, leaving Seishirou alone to figure out what the hell to do next.

After about an hour of deliberation, he decided to go see Subaru to talk to him, only to be greeted by the sight of the lovely man crying and throwing Seishirou's things into random boxes. The handsome angel tried his best to reason with the other, but apparently cheating had been the last straw, and thus, Subaru simply shoved the boxes into Seishirou's hands and kicked him out of heaven."

"Good for him," Kamui said with a resolute nod. "So," he couldn't contain the amusement in his voice, "Seishirou is then became Satan?"

"He did. Where do you think the phrase, 'handsome devil' came from?" he asked, looking rather smug.

"Obviously not from him."

Seishirou smirked darkly, "Oh, and did I forget to mention that the little violet eyed whore was fucked to death by his playmate while Subaru caved into his desires and visited Seishirou in hell?"

"Fucked to death…?" he shivered at the thought, which, based on his knowledge of a certain 'amber-eyed angel', involved many sharp objects and much blood.

"Kamui?" The young Seal snapped out of his thoughts as he instantly recognized his teammate's voice, and turned to him, watching the green eyes widen exponentially as the other realized who Kamui was with. "Kamui!" Subaru ran to him and placed himself in between the two, glaring fiercely at Seishirou, "What did you do to him!" Kamui looked at him and blinked.

The Sakurazukamori simply put on his best, most charming expression. "Why, hello, Subaru-kun." He tilted his head to the side, slightly. "It's rather impolite to jump to such conclusions, you know. I assure you I have done nothing to your_ darling_ little leader other than entertain him with a story."

"It's true." The Sumeragi looked over his shoulder at Kamui. "You were God."

"I was _what_?"

"God," Kamui simply repeated with a nod.

"You certainly have the body of one," Seishirou stated with a smirk.

Subaru twitched and glared, trying to ignore Seishirou's flirting, before turning his attention to his leader, "Kamui, Segawa-san has been asking for you. He wants to tutor you a little before your next class."

"Oh, okay." Kamui stood up and nodded, gathering his things.

"Ah, wonderful, it looks like it will just be you and I now, Subaru-kun!"

Subaru gave the older man yet another glare, "I apologize, but I will be _escorting_ Kamui to meet his friend. I wouldn't want him to accidentally get hurt along the way, you know." He quickly turned Kamui around and started to gently push him.

"Ah I suppose so." He watched the two start to walk away, one being rather confused by the shoving, and added in a rather suggestive tone, "I will just have to wait until I see you tonight, then."

Kamui instantly put on the brakes and looked back at Subaru, "What does he mean 'tonight'?"

"N-nothing!" the light onmyouji choked out, trying to control the heat rising to his cheeks. He really thought he'd gotten over that flustered crap when he was younger, but apparently he'd been wrong.

"You're blushing, Subaru."

"No, I'm not," he said flatly, turning Kamui back around and pushing him again.

Seishirou waved at them until they disappeared behind a line of bushes, then took another puff of his cigarette, his face settling into a satisfied smirk. He'd actually had some fun messing with the kid, and was somewhat amused by his own made-up-on-the-spot story. Perhaps, he thought, he'd tell it to Subaru later. With a few, more graphic, additions of course.


End file.
